


I Won't But I Might

by piecesofme



Series: Tumblr Rants [1]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 15:25:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 8,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14834853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piecesofme/pseuds/piecesofme
Summary: A series of Tumblr posts where Simon must deal with a new not-so-fun stigma, while at the same time managing the other daily drama that comes with being a teenager. From a secret relationship with a popular guy, to being undermined by a mean guy, and parents who just don't get it-Simon's misfortune will eventually serve as the catalyst for amazing change, but it's not without some missteps and mishaps along the way.





	1. Summer Camp Sucks Even Worse When You’re a Counselor

Jul 20 - 5:33pm

There are defining moments in every person’s life. Moments where you kick ass or suck it. I was definitely sucking some serious ass.


	2. Rubbed Raw and Reeling

Jul 22 - 6:40pm

It was the last day of summer camp. Time to celebrate! It was a lame afternoon dance, but magic was in the air. The dorks were getting crunk and the rest of us were getting drunk. And for the first time since I got contacts, I didn’t feel invisible.

There it was. The signal. I was hoping he’d do something more inspired like sniff his armpits but Bram had a habit of doing that. A lot. Attention to personal hygiene was just one of Bram's many stellar attributes. He was perfection. Unlike me. I was a hot mess of nerves cuz Bram Greenfeld wanted me, a nobody, to meet him in the utility closet.

It wasn’t the inciting incident of some sappy “It Gets Better” video about how I got used and abused by some bi-curious altar boy on the last day of summer camp. I knew better than that. Our passionate bumping of uglies was a sign. This year would be my year. For once I wouldn’t be overlooked. Not with Bram at my... back door. Oh yeah, he was a bit rough. Not fun.

Change was in the air. I could smell it. There was change and pine-scented cleanser? My ass was on fire, but somehow admitting my virgin status seemed like a buzzkill. I didn’t wanna ruin the moment.

With my v-card safely tucked away in his back pocket, I was sure this was the beginning of something new. I couldn’t help myself. Bram had cracked my hard candy shell and I was oozing with sticky sweet love. So, I asked him if he wanted to go to junior orientation together. To which he responded “You’re the shit.” So he wasn’t a poet. He was still Bram Greenfeld... and then he hit me with... “but nobody can know that I like you.” So... I was still Simon Spier.

When I got home I was looking for a little TLC. My father always knew when something was wrong... and promptly avoided the conversation. Instead of reading my face-mail that was obvi in need of being addressed and comforting me - he handed my laundry and a letter. Turns out it was a letter that hurt even more than Bram’s blow-off.

“Simon, as you are now, you could disappear and no one would notice. Below is a list of suggestions you should take into serious consideration. A Friend. Number one: stop being such a pussy.”

Whoever wrote the letter didn’t pull any punches. It was the truth and the truth hurt.

Sometimes being a teenager makes you want to die.


	3. That Guy

Aug 8 - 5:56pm

When I was initially charting my course to visibility, I really should have defined the kind of visibility I wanted. For two weeks I tried to explain that my accident was just that. A freaking accident! The more I denied it, the more everyone assumed I was in denial. It was a vicious circle.

The one person who was noticeably absent from gossiping about my life was Bram Greenfeld. But I finally had contact with him. It was the first time we had seen each other since my deflowering... and I’d almost forgotten how messy I looked. He asked if I was okay. It was a complicated question. Even if he hadn’t been pulled away by his posse, there probably wasn’t time for me to explain everything I was feeling.

But luckily for me, I was gonna have a lot of time to talk about my feelings with my new guidance counselor. Color me excited. We apparently are set to have weekly meetings. And she’s “special.” She spit my breath mints back in their container and then tried on my lip balm. Ms. Albright needs her own counselor. She asked me if I had any questions for her. I had about a thousand, but not one of them seemed appropriate. I could only hope that someone would let me off for good behavior really soon so I wouldn’t have to spend the entire year dealing with her special brand of insanity.

And then there was Martin, who I guess was disappointed that I wasn’t dead. I never appreciated Martin’s bitchiness, but I understood it. He was hungry.

And he was gonna be in my line of sight for all of lunch because he was in the pep rally. With Bram. All over Bram. But, I was fine. Okay, that’s was a lie. I wasn’t. Despite all my external wounds, my heart was probably gonna take the longest to heal. And I was tired of the pain. So, rather than wait it out, I had the brilliant idea to jumpstart the healing process. I volunteered for the pep rally. I mean, I totally knew what I was doing. Confession: I had no idea what I was doing. But I couldn’t look back. At all.

Yet somehow... having people pay even more attention to me was the best stupid idea I ever had. I got in a guy’s pants and came out a winner. And more importantly, people saw me as someone other than a total freak.

Except for Martin, of course. I tried to be nice to him after he lost. He responded in the typical Martin way: by being an ass. It’s true when they say no good deed goes unpunished. But I wasn’t gonna let him get to me. Things were looking up. Besides my arm.

Being “That Guy” was my new identity. But I won’t let it define me. I will define it.


	4. New Beginnings

Aug 29 - 8:32am

It was the dawn of a new beginning. My sideshow status as the suicide freak was about to end and my creeper gear was on the verge of retirement. Thank God. Cuz the high-five fake out was getting old. Really old.

For weeks, I’d fantasized about two things. My first fantasy involved some intimate touching... of the elbow. And my second was centered on any and all parts of Bram Greenfeld. It wasn’t like I was obsessing. Or that I’d counted the seven times I’d caught Bram looking at me since school started. Eight if you counted the time I wiped out in the cafeteria. And I did. It counted!

Okay, maybe I was obsessing. A little. But it was keeping me from fixating on something I was desperately trying to forget. The evil anonymous carefrontation. It could bite me and always did. “Pull your head out of your ass and stand out.” Standing out was not a problem. Blending in was the new name of the game, and I was ready to play. Or I would be soon. As soon as I could jailbreak my arm from its maximum security plaster...

Which, of course, didn’t quite work out as I’d envisioned. But maybe my dad and Leah were right—maybe a slimming black sling was enough of an improvement for now. It caught Bram’s attention. Look nine. If I was counting. Okay, I was counting! Sue me. But he was look-looking. Stalker looking. In a good way. And look nine led right into look ten. It was a record. Two glances in less than fifteen minutes. Bram was definitely thinking about me. Hope for my fantasy to become my reality had been reignited. I was high on hope and...

Martin’s sweetness. Why was he out to get me? New Simon needed to employ some new principles. There are times for rising above the situation... and times when you have to sink to the bare-ass level of your enemy. So I did. And as he became the butt of everyone’s joke for once, there was nothing to say except, “You’re welcome!”


	5. Kardashian Nightmare

Aug 30 - 5:05pm

The standard operating procedures of high school, like P.E., were once again part of my routine. But not even the communal shower could bring me down. I was happily... back in action. Still, try explaining to a crazy person that you’re not crazy and you’ll get about as far as man jam in a diaphragm, so I was stuck going to counseling. Ms. Albright still needed to work on her sensitivity, but even her lack of tact couldn’t burst my bubble. For a good couple hours there, it seemed like my life was on track to collide with my fantasy... until my ass collided with a couple hundred people’s phone screens. And the one person who’d seen it up close and personal before they were public domain wasn’t doing anything to help my cause. Not only did my reality still suck serious ass, but apparently, so did my fantasy.

I was paralyzed and the talk of the school. Again. But what I couldn’t understand was why my non-Nicki Minaj butt was so fascinating? Leah had watched enough porn in my presence for me to know that it’s not hard to find way better ass shots than mine to glue your eyes to. At least I was safe in the sanctuary, where only one rule applied: don’t ask, don’t tell. I really appreciated that the regular misfits didn’t care about my Kardashian nightmare. They were busy. Sizin’ up my ass. Evidently, the sanctuary got good reception.

And even though they wanted to help, since I still hadn’t found the right moment to tell Leah that I’d slept with Bram, they couldn’t fully understand the gravity of the situation. If Bram hadn’t swiped my v-card, Leah’s solution of writing him off would have been perfect... but as it was, it was a double dash of salt in the wound and I realized that sometimes when I thought I was keeping a secret, the secret was really keeping me. I needed to tell Leah that I had given Bram the gift of my first time... but it still wasn’t the right time.


	6. Over-Exposed and Under-Appreciated

Aug 31 - 5:45pm

Sad fact: my dad had more cyber friends than I did. By the time I got home, he’d already read all about my negative exposure. Never to be outdone, he felt the need to scar me even more than my Kardashian nightmare already had by first showing me a picture of what I’d look like with some cosmetic help... and then telling me that he’d gotten a procedure himself. Apparently, his new face was purchased in lieu of an education. And his new image was his reward for raising me instead of going to college. Ho-ly tit. My father was never subtle about acknowledging that I was more of a burden than a blessing.

But, misguided as my dad’s tactics were, at least in his own way he was trying to help. Which was more than I could say for Bram Greenfeld. My reality, without having my fantasy to look forward to, was becoming too hard to bear. But I knew just what to do. I’d take control of the situation.

In my fantasy scenario, I was gonna be the bad ass, the rebel. I’d be the legendary junior rock star that no one would ever forget. But in reality... I had thirty more people taking pictures of my butt.

Clearly, it was time to come to terms with the fact that what I wanted to happen and what was actually going to happen weren’t the same.


	7. Hurry Up and Wait

Sep 1 - 7:57pm

From an early age, all kids are conditioned to expect a romantic fantasy. Maybe I wasn’t gonna be one of those guys who gets the fantasy in high school. Maybe I’d have to wait.


	8. To We Or Not To We

Sep 20 - 7:50am

For 2.8 weeks, Bram couldn’t keep his hands off me. He was on a Simon bender. And aside from the fact that my bussy was suffering some serious road burn, I was high on life. I was living those magical high school moments I’d only seen in movies. And like most ‘leading men,’ I wanted more... Not more boning! I wasn’t starting a lifelong battle with sex addiction. I just wanted more... intimacy.

Like the kind I had with my friend Nick when we played doctor as kids. We didn’t do anything except flash our nips—which incidentally looked exactly the same—but I knew everything about Nick. Favorite color: brown. Sport: soccer. Food: toilet paper. Nick was weird. Several years later, I was playing for real with a guy I knew nothing about.

Was it completely Old Testament of me to want to know stuff about the guy who had a platinum membership card for getting in my pants? I mean, I didn’t need to know his philosophical outlook on life or what he thought about Civil War, I just wanted to know... something.

Turns out we had a lot in common. Sort of. So after bonding over sex and our shared love of chocolate cookies with sweet orange creme filling in between, I couldn’t help but wonder if our sex made Bram and I a we? And were we going about things backwards? First the sex, then the relationship? Or were we just more interesting?

I wanted to know if we had any plans for the weekend, but for fear of seeming desperate, I asked him if he had plans. On second thought, I should’ve gone with the ‘we’—you know, the power of suggestion. But, Bram surprised me by totally taking the first step toward us being a we and telling me I should go to Abby’s party. It was all I needed to hear before he left. That and maybe a kiss to seal the deal...

Okay, so I guess we weren’t the type who kissed goodbye.

... Or maybe we were.


	9. Status Unknown

Sep 21 - 11:01pm

Leah thought Bram and I were a “we.” And I thought that was good enough for me. But I was having some serious party jitters. My outfit said yes, but my gut said, stay the hell home. Maybe it was a sign that Bram needed room to miss me. But, for better or worse, Leah could usually convince me of anything. And she was intent on convincing me that Bram and I had a thing. I didn’t know what kind of thing, but I was hoping the party would clear that up.

That still didn’t mean I had ever learned the etiquette of being a “we”. Did I let him know I was on my way to the party? Text him when I got there? Have him meet me out front? These were the kinds of lessons a dad should teach you, but all my dad did was ask if Bram and I were together. Apparently, this was a burning question on everyone’s mind. If only I could answer it.

I was hoping it would be clear as soon as I got to the party, but Martin bitch-rained on that parade when he asked who invited me. I thought Bram did, but he hadn’t texted me, he didn’t walk me in. Maybe his “you should come” comment was made out of post-orgasmic obligation. Then, in a very public display of validation, Bram admitted he did invite me! That settled it. Bram and I were a ‘we.’

So there we were. Out in public. For the whole... small group of people to see. I wondered how he’d introduce me, as his boyfriend, his date, his lu-vah?

He opted for not introducing me at all. I would’ve settled for Simon.

The night went on pretty much along that awkward track. If our body language was analyzed by the experts at US Weekly, they would have said “we” were on the outs.

I finally got him alone, or as alone as you can be at a kick-back. Sometimes a keg is all you need for a little privacy. So there “we” were, not speaking. I desperately wanted him to say something, anything, even though I was stuck on mute. In the moment all I could think about was the fact that twenty-four hours ago, Bram was taking my temperature with his all-beef thermometer, and now he couldn’t even ask me how much foam I wanted.

Maybe he was just shy. I mean, I’d never been out with him before. For all I know, he had social anxiety. Then, he stripped down and jumped in the hot tub. So, my shy theory was a tad off.

Once again, I was on the outside of the circle looking in... at another guy all over Bram. But Leah was right. Bram wasn’t responsive, even though sluts-his-face was practically dry-humping him. I did want to go in. And what did I have to lose? I had some Calvin Kleins of my own.

But apparently so did he. Although kissing Bram in public wasn’t really keeping it a secret at all.

I didn’t know if he was going out of his way to answer my question, but he couldn’t have made it any clearer. Bram and I weren’t a “we” at all. There was only me. And me... was devastated.

At least I had a friend in Cal. And when he was telling me about his own intimacy issues with Abby, I knew exactly what he meant. Not that I didn't wanted to take it up the Kardashian, but maybe Bram and I shouldn’t have done anything until we knew each other better. I had barely spent any time with Cal and I already knew extremely intimate stuff about him... weird stuff I didn’t really want to know. But unlike Bram, he was willing to share, and for the moment, some platonic intimacy would have to do.


	10. The Stink of the Pink

Sep 24 - 7:21pm

Considering I didn’t even have pink eye, the pink eye outbreak at school was causing me an unreasonable amount of discomfort. I had asked the universe for a sign that I should talk to Bram, and so far I had six. Make that seven. The DTR had to happen ASAP. And OMG I really needed to stop using abbreviations.

Because even though he was being judgmental about it all, Nick was right. I wasn’t cool hooking up with a guy who was kissing other guys. I mean, for all I knew, he was doing more than just kissing other guys. I needed to define our relationship for once and for all.

But when I finally got a chance to talk to him, I couldn’t see Bram’s right eye. And that made me worry. He asked he if was gonna see me at the bonfire. The bigger question: was he gonna be able to see me!? I was hardcore spiraling and the situation was rapidly spinning out of my control. Bram was apologizing for kissing a skank. Or maybe I was the skank? I couldn’t really make sense of anything he was saying, but when I tried to go in for a real convo, he took off. Which... might have been for the best. Did I really want to bring up the pink eye? If he was apologizing for kissing another guy, then he probably wasn’t making a habit of doing that. And if that was the case, I didn’t want to raise a scarlet flag that I was a spiral-prone kind of guy.

I made a new deal—if Bram didn’t have the pink, it would clear the stink. If he did, I’d have to have “the talk.” And that was gonna be... awkward. But the bonfire would be the place to do it. Because aside from my parent’s “Teen Mom” sitch, the bonfire was a lucky omen in my family. It was where I was meant to cement my relationship with Bram and... the place to double bag it.


	11. Truth and Consequences

Sep 28 - 9:29pm

The bonfire. Bram was present and accounted for. It was the moment to advance. Or, as Nick would have it, the moment to simmer. There was no way I could talk to Bram covered in sticky rice. Was the universe throwing obstacles in my way to keep me from making a mistake? Or was I just screwed? Nick was giving me a Viagra-hard time about the Bram status... because he was reeling about our own status as friends. Apparently, my convo with Bram wasn’t the only talk that I needed to have. I needed to DTR with Nick.

But, at the moment, the dumpster hump was my primary objective. And good news! Bram didn’t have the pink. But that wasn’t gonna stop me from DTR-ing and he was giving me the sign that he was nervous. Which meant he was vulnerable. Which meant the iron was hot and it was time to strike. So I broke my promise. I hooked up before we DTR’d. Sue me. Some promises were made to be broken...

... And some promises were never made. Bram didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. As we walked through the remnants of the parking lot, it looked exactly how I felt – post-apocalyptic. It felt like everything had changed. But nothing had changed. Except that I finally knew the score. He asked if I was cool just being casual. I wasn’t cool with it. But I told him I was. I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t be honest...

Speaking of honesty, for weeks, I assumed the letter was an evil indictment of the person who wrote it. But then it hit me—what if the author was just being honest? I couldn’t hate them for that. Just like I couldn’t hate Bram. He had been honest. Something I wasn’t brave enough to do. But Nick was. And even though I didn’t have a relationship with Bram, I did have a relationship with Nick... and it was time for him to know that I cherished it.


	12. Unsavory and Unstable

Oct 2 - 8:02pm

In high school, perception’s everything... and being dropped off by a parent was like owning a rolling backpack or kissing a grandparent on the mouth. Unsavory. In an environment where everyone was playing the role of judge and jury, the only way to survive was to assert some kind of independence. But not my father’s kind. My father’s perception of being bold was free ballin’. I’d had enough.

But I couldn’t get enough of the person I had developed a questionable dependence on: Bram. I wanted an excuse to walk in together, but what I really needed was an excuse to talk. Bram said he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with anyone, but... as I saw another guy get out of his Honda Civic with him, I realized maybe he just didn’t want to be in a relationship with me.

And why would he? I was the suicide guy. And to make matters worse, I was a traveling freakshow with an obsessive fan. You don’t get much more unsavory than that.

So Bram had another guy and I had a stalker. If I was being honest with myself, my day was off to an unfortunately typical Simon Spier start. But shouldn’t the universe at some point find a new ass to wedgie?


	13. Simon Plus and Minus

Oct 3 - 7:51pm

For someone I had never seen before in my life, I suddenly couldn’t stop watching Simon Plus. Taylor Metternich was stalking me, and I was stalking her. Don’t worry, the irony wasn’t lost on me. But I needed to know if Bram was just hanging out with him or if they were together. Because my brain needed to figure out which level of jealousy was appropriate for the situation.

But finding him in Ms. Albright’s version of juvie was unexpected. Guess Simon Plus was a regular in detention and a leader among the rebel herd. Maybe Bram thought being bad was good?

From the bird tattoo on his ankle to the simple Carmex he wore, everything about Simon Plus was cool. Bitch. I wondered if Bram liked smokers. And if so, could I fake a pro? I was getting ahead of myself. As Simon Plus told me about his guy meltdown that I’d half-eavesdropped on, I had the sinking feeling in my gut that he was talking about Bram. Did that mean I was Bram’s rebound? Simon Plus and I might have been from different planets, but our Bram heartbreak was the same. Unless, by some tiny, miniscule, pinhole chance, he wasn’t talking about Bram...

But of course, he was. His phone rang and the caller ID said “Greenfeld.” There it was. The answer I was chasing. I couldn’t live in the safety of denial anymore. He was with Bram. Bram was with him. And I was with cancer. As much as I wanted to hate on Simon Plus, I couldn’t. The bitch was decent. Maybe even sweet. And it really made me want to kill myself.


	14. It’s Complicated

Oct 4 - 8:58pm

Everything that once was simple was now complicated. Cal had kissed me. And Bram didn’t want me to be his boyfriend. Cuz he already had one. And no matter how much I wanted him to disappear, he wouldn’t. He was real and he had a name: Garrett. As expected, it was cooler than mine.

Making matters worse, turns out Taylor did work in the office and was in a tribute band. The Taylor flip-out was completely unnecessary. If there were an Olympic sport of giving people something to talk about, I would definitely medal. Turns out, I had been smoking the emotional crack pipe and I needed to take a drastic 12 steps back to recovery. I already acknowledged I had a problem. So I decided to skip the middle steps and go straight to number nine—making amends.

After clearing up the Taylor situation, my life was still complicated. I liked Bram. Bram liked Garrett. Cal liked me. Cal was dating Abby. Abby was best friends with Martin, who wanted me dead. Even if I had tried to make a coherent chart of this situation, I still wouldn’t have been able to wrap my head around it. And it felt like I was constantly treading on a fault line that was about to create a social earthquake. I didn’t know how the hell I had become the epicenter, but the potential disasters that could result from it were... best not thought about.


	15. Simon Lives

Oct 5 - 9:19pm

Funny, even Simon Plus was concern with how people perceived him. He surprised me when he invited me to sit with him during lunch. Bram looked so confused as he walked towards us. Busted! I ended up finding out that Garrett was actually Bram’s “boyfriend-in-law.” He had been dating one of Bram’s friends on and off for a while.

It was our first lunch together and I realized it wasn’t my stigma or another guy keeping me from Bram. It was how I saw myself.


	16. Uncharitable Charity

Oct 20 - 8:28pm

It was Saturday, but instead of kicking back, my father was forcing me to attend a party thrown by the elite father/son charity league known as the “Knick-Knackers.” Unfortunately, three spots were open. And I was sick at the thought of actually landing one. Cuz the Knick-Knackers weren’t obsessed with helping the homeless. They were obsessed with...

Plastic. Plastic was the power currency of Shady Creek. In the skin and in the wallet. To be a certified SC parent meant you had to rock a bodacious body and a black AmEx. Neither of which were earned by a day job. To be a SC parent, working meant working-out or working a room. Or being a Knick-Knacker.

And my dad was going to stay up in my grill until he became one.

So there I was powerless to my father’s subtle persuasion—to stop embarrassing him.

I was also strangely powerless to the feeling that the house belonged to someone emotionally disturbed. Or worse... evil incarnate. Mo to the fo. I was in Martin Addison’s house. And it made sense... the devil would absolutely hide himself behind an altruistic organization. Needless to say - after Martin cited number seven on the letter- “you have to be cruel to be kind”- I knew he was the author. So there I was in my enemy’s house enduring a bogus benefit. My hellacious day was complete... or was it? Cuz Bram was there -working the party- and ignoring me. Up until then we had a very textual relationship. But a lot of the time, when we were out in public, I couldn’t figure out our subtext. He was... awkward. And that made me awkward.

Sometimes I couldn’t help but wonder if his weirdness in public was a power play. I knew that deep down, Bram and I had some kind of connection. But maybe he was putting on his incompetence at social situations so that he could control what we were. Bram didn’t want to be in a relationship. If we didn’t appear to be in one, then we weren’t in one.

But, on the other hand, it was really hard to believe that Bram was that calculating. And I didn’t want to believe it.

I wanted to hang out with him. Alone. And just when I thought I might get the chance for a little non-awkward Bram time, Cal popped up out of nowhere.

I hadn’t seen Cal since he’d impulsively shoved his tongue down my throat. And by the look of him, you would’ve thought I never gave it back. I had to get out of there. And I did. And Bram still hasn’t texted me back since Wednesday. Sigh.


	17. Power Play

Oct 27 - 7:28pm

Martin had set me up. And I had his food journal. Which meant– I was finally prepared to exact revenge.

Or was I? Martin didn’t just hate me, he hated herself. And he was as powerless to the stigma of his weight as I was to the stigma of my fake suicide. Was it possible that we had something in common? And then I saw it—the scribbled words “Simon Spier is an oozing skitch.” Was he still worth feeling sorry for?

Fuck that. I had to take the bitch down. I was tired of laying down on the tracks and letting him flatten me over and over again. I wasn’t going to play nice anymore. I was ready to show my hand. And what I had in my hand was more than enough to get what I wanted from him.

Surprisingly, what I wanted was to do something nice for my dad. He was powerless to the SC dads as I was to the SC sons. I didn’t want to be in the elite Knick-Knacker world, but I owed it to dad make things right and get him in.

So I let Martin know that I had his food journal and he wouldn’t be seeing it back –except on the internet- unless my dad and I got a bid for the Knick-Knackers. Do you even need to guess what happened?

I had sealed the deal for my dad. So it was time to seal one for myself. It was time to put the carefrontation letter to rest... but when Martin said if he’d written the letter he’d have signed his name to it, I knew my suspicion was wrong. He was telling the truth.

But if Martin didn’t write the letter, who did? It was still a mystery. But I was suddenly clear about where my powered lied. Where Martin’s power was about being cruel, I decided mine was about being kind.

Power was a zero-sum game. When you allow someone else to take it, they will. Bram had all the power in our relationship because I let him.

But that was about to change.


	18. Calling All Attention!

Oct 29 - 6:34pm

In high school, attention is a drug. Everyone is jonesing for it. Including Vice Principal Worth. Attention was weird. The people who had it seemed not to want it. And the people who didn’t have it seemed to want nothing more.

Refocusing attention was my current strategy. I was playing hard to get with a guy that was hard to get. It seemed to be working and I wasn’t going to give in to Bram’s private sexcapades until I got some public attention.

I was feeling good. For once, I was gonna be in control of how Bram and everyone else saw me. Until, of course, I got picked to play Dead Stuart. It was not the kind of attention I was looking for. Other guys would have killed to be in my shoes. Playing Dead Stuart was bigger than being homecoming king, but I was trying to bury my suicide stigma, not advertise it.

And speaking of unwanted attention... Cal’s obsession with our accidental kiss was one more thing that would just not die. After it happened, I had called him and tried to smooth the situation out. I told him that we were friends and these things just sometimes happen. He agreed, so I thought we were cool. And yet somehow, he was still tweaking about it. He needed to take an emotional antacid, because the facts were simple: he had a girlfriend. I had a... Bram.

I was starting to realize that there was really something to the playing hard to get thing. Whoever said, “If you build it, they will come” was wrong. Tear it down. They come running.


	19. Over My Dead Body

Oct 30 - 8:14pm

Ms. Albright needed me to avert career suicide but to help her I would have to commit social suicide… again. I knew I couldn’t make her understand that I didn’t want to have another fake death hanging over my head. So… I lied.

Because it should have made sense that my parents wouldn’t want to promote my stigma. How was I supposed to know that Ms. Albright would SHOW UP TO MY HOUSE!!! Or that my dad would encourage me to make a public display of my suicide stigma as Dead Stuart. Cuz it was cool in 1995 when he played him. According to my father, Dead Stuart was popular before he got impaled by the glass of Jenny’s windshield. Therefore, playing someone popular would only increase my chances of being seen as popular.

In crazy dad logic- this made sense. But what didn’t make sense was my mom’s reluctance to help me get out of it. I was giving her all the “save me!” signals and she couldn’t throw me a line. When I told her that I didn’t want to encourage my suicide stigma- she told me to “Change the Conversation.” I was so over my mom and her psychologist haiku advice. 

Change the conversation? I had no idea what that meant. All I knew was that I was stuck between a rock and a dead place. I had been caught in a lie and even though I was convinced Ms. Albright had a touch of Aspergers, I didn’t want her to lose her job.

So there was not much I could do but… die.


	20. Social Death or Social Resurrection?

Oct 31 - 10:07pm

Things don’t always go as planned. Especially in situations involving me and Bram. It was the first time I listened to my instincts. And not only did Bram refuse to introduce me to his sister, but I got a door slammed in my face. Even in private he was shutting me out. Where was the Grim Reaper when I needed him?

Was it because of my stigma? He was even embarrassed for his drunk sister to see me? I needed answers. I was tired of being Bram’s secret. As I walked to my very public death, I couldn’t help but wonder: Did I just kill my private relationship with Bram Greenfeld?

Luckily, I didn’t have much time to think about it because Cal was still dying to talk about our kiss and what it meant. He probably could have picked a better time than mid-blood squirt to confess that he had feelings for me. But when I thought about it… I definitely had feelings too. Were they feelings for Cal? Or was it the feeling you get right before you die?

Dead Stuart ended up living, thanks to a brilliant intervention by Drunk Nathan aka Nick. I was sure playing Dead Stuart would result in social suicide. But instead, my reputation was resurrected. The event was a hit. I was applauded. And Bram gave me a VERY public hug. For the first time… I got the attention I was looking for.


	21. Peer-ent Pressure

Nov 3 - 10:12am

For sixteen years, my father’s form of parenting was to peer-ent. He was all about crossing inappropriate boundaries. So the fact that he was finally acting appropriate felt… suspicious. Something was definitely up.

It was ninety-five degrees in November. And there was a funk in the air. Maybe an earthquake was about to hit...

Unfortunately, it was another natural disaster. My dad’s BFF Allen. I would have preferred the earthquake. My suspicions were correct. My dad was buttering me up to cushion the blow. And man did Allen blow. Hard. He was the most immature thirty two year old in the world. Example: he made a bad suicide joke in my presence. Allen claimed he was the king of treading lightly. This was coming from a man who had simply referred to me as Lil’ Bitch since the day I was born.

Allen needed a serious reality check. But I knew he wouldn’t get it from my dad... who indulged any and all of his crazy whims. And this time, that meant throwing me a kegger. Apparently, Allen was being “generous” and “open.” The only thing open about Allen were his legs. And all I could do was pray he’d keep them closed at my party. God forbid, my father’s bestie goes down for public intoxication. Hmm... or was that a bad thing?


	22. Blacked Out and Whacked Out

Nov 4 - 12:21pm

I’ll admit, I was a total newbie to the party-throwing thing. But, even as a newbie, I knew that blacking out during your own shindy was a total party foul. So… I was a newbie with duck tape around his waist.

 

 

 

At least the worst that could have happened, didn’t. When I woke up with someone next to me in bed, I had a momentary panic that I had swapped sweat (and other things) with one of the Barneys my dad had warned me against. Was it possible that my father let a guy sleep in my bed? Dumb question. Of course it was. But the person passed out next to me was Allen. Never had I been so glad to see him.

Funny thing about getting drunk… nothing. For six hours, I was walking and talking and the memory was nonexistent in my brain. I was spiral city. In every sense. Leah wasn’t answering her phone so I needed a cyber forensic ASAP cuz according to Allen, I’d gotten come action. And apparently so did my home page.


	23. Forgive or... Please Forget!

Nov 4 - 10:36pm

In my attempt to remember the night, I’d discovered why some things were convenient to forget. My head was throbbing. But it wasn’t just from lack of hydration, it was also from excessive humiliation. And the question still remained: had I attacked Bram with my tongue? In more ways than one? And did I ruin his shoes?

No. Freaking. Way.

I KISSED GARRETT LAUGHLIN?!

This was bad. This was bad bad. This was the Colossus of bad. They were going to build a giant freaking statue commemorating my horror and terrible decision-making and unintended bestie betrayal. And then they’d probably build another. Whoever “they” were.

And it was public. Who knew how many people saw the picture... not to mention the actual event? The kiss was just an additional thing I could add to the list of reasons why I’d potentially just screwed up everything with Bram. But for now, Bram could wait. Leah couldn’t. I had to talk to her before doing anything else.

The kiss didn’t mean anything. I didn’t even remember it. If only I could make her forget it, too...

... she’d understand, right?


	24. Birthday Bashed

Nov 16 - 8:07am

There were a million reasons why I didn’t want to get out of bed. But apparently the universe wasn’t gonna let me sleep.

After throwing a hardschool kegger, I had over three hundred friends. But I wasn’t deluded by my surge in popularity. I knew the difference between real friends and virtual ones. My real friends weren’t talking to me. Although to be fair, Nick couldn’t. Literally.

While Nick was suffering from the kissing disease, I was sick over a kiss. A drunken lip slip that had cost me Leah’s friendship. And after alienating Bram and possibly Cal, my friendscape was pretty barren.

But making new friends wasn’t going to be a problem. I had the interweb!

... Which was full of creeps. If the day ever comes where I do want to see a random dude’s penis over a video chat, someone please just shoot me.

If my life had an escape button, I would’ve checked out for the day. There was only one small problem. It was my freaking birthday.

And there was nothing happy about it. It was just another crap day in two thousand suck.


	25. Best Friends For... Never?

Nov 16 - 8:07pm

I never thought that Leah and I would end up where we were. Leah and I argued sometimes, but in all the years we’d been friends, we’d never had a huge nails-out, eye-scratching fight. But... I kind of wished we had that instead of the iceberg-tundra thing we had going on. And I didn’t know if we would ever thaw out.

I should’ve been mad at her for writing the heinous letter, but I wasn’t. I was still... in shock.

What had I done that made her write me that letter? How long had she had all these issues with me? The letter was not a random act. Everything it said had been seriously thought out. Our friendship was over. Or was it? After avoiding me for days, Leah looked right at me, like she was totally open to my face-mail. My mom was right, she was throwing me a birthday bone. Or not... it just was a momentary mirage in the desert of dissing.

I used to feel bad for people who ate by themselves every day... until I found out some of them weren’t really eating alone. They had imaginary friends. Which, theoretically, was like six to ten more than I had.

Basically, I was stuck with Ms. Albright - my counselor. And her birthday “rap” –while well-intentioned- was about the nail in my bad birthday coffin. Up until that moment, the rumors of my death wish had been greatly exaggerated.

I wanted to leave, but I couldn’t. I had just received another gift... of the monthly variety: "IMS" (Irritable Male Syndrome). And since Leah was the keeper of the back-up pants, there was no way I was getting my hands on them.


	26. Bitter or Sweet (Seven)teen?

Nov 17 - 9:09pm

In the movie “Sixteen Candles,” it took her awhile, but Molly Ringwald figured it out. Lesson learned: you shouldn’t be afraid to be who you are, because even hot guys will like you if you like yourself. Clearly, I had been going about things all wrong. How was I supposed to be accepted by everybody else when I hadn’t even accepted myself?

“Simon, as you are now, you could disappear and no one would notice.” Truth was, sometimes I wanted to disappear. But I wasn’t going to.

I thought seventeen was setting itself up to be the worst year of my life, but I was born at 11:32pm, which meant... I was still sixteen. My bad day -was just that—a bad day and the end of an era cuz Bram wanted to be more than my friend.

As far as I was concerned, sixteen could suck it. Because seventeen... well, it was starting off pretty damn good.


	27. Reasonable Doubt

Nov 30 - 5:33pm

So Leah didn’t write the letter. It was a bittersweet discovery. Okay, more sweet than bitter, but even though it meant my best friend didn’t totally hate me, it also meant I still didn’t know who did.

Was it possible that Bram wrote it?

If Leah was right and he was molding me in private so he could take me out in public... then he saw me as someone who was worth putting all this effort into. Sure, it was a backhanded compliment, but in a screwed up way, maybe it was kind. Okay. Maybe that would just be totally douchey. Possibly with a hint of misguided sweetness?

While Leah made a good case with her “Law and Order” logic, I just couldn’t wrap my mind around Bram writing the letter. I mean... He was a remedial speller. And that was proof enough for me to exonerate him.


	28. Doubtful

Nov 30 - 10:53pm

The Bram investigation was inconclusive. But if I was a judge...

I’d throw his case outta court.


	29. Take Care

Dec 12 - 4:49pm

“As you are now, you could disappear and no one would notice.” I wish it were true. I had assumed my rep as a suicide case was all but dead, but my stigma was alive... and kicking me in the ass. Now everyone could read the carefrontation letter and take part in humiliating me even more.

Cal, of course, came to my rescue. Even though I had turned down his winter formal invite, I could still depend on him to make me feel like a normal human being and not a communal punching bag.

But... it was weird. Bram still hadn’t told Cal about us...

And apparently, Bram didn’t want to even go to the dance anymore. How could I be Bram’s boyfriend when I was still his secret? Because I wasn’t Bram’s boyfriend, I was “that guy.” Who never stood a chance of going to the formal. A freak in a fancy suit was still a freak.

While I was reeling about Bram, Leah found out that she was Garrett Laughlin’s fourth invite. She was ready to write him off. Leah did deserve better. And she wasn’t the only one.

I had taken great care to be the son my dad always wanted and the guy Bram wanted to be with. But along the way, I lost sight of myself. It was time to take care of me and I wasn’t gonna sit around and cry about it. Okay. Maybe a little.


	30. Seeing Simon

Dec 13 - 5:01pm

Somewhere along the way, I was trying so hard to fit in that I lost myself. New Simon was more visible, but I couldn’t see Old Simon in him anymore.

And now that I realized it, I owed it to the old invisible boy in me to be bold again. Asking Cal to the formal was just the first step. I was leaving my Renaissance and heading into my Golden Age. Cuz I wasn’t “that guy” anymore… and I wasn’t Bram’s boyfriend either. I was Simon Spier.


	31. Choice Vs. Chance

Dec 15 - 11:20pm

Someone once said that it’s choice, not chance, that determines our destiny. My head made the choice to end things with Bram. But my heart...

... my heart was still waiting for the chance that my head might... reconsider.

Did I screw up my destiny? Or was my fate supposed to stink?

But it was settled. I was going to the dance with Cal. With special guest star Leah. With Leah by my side, a good time at the dance was all but in the cards… contingent upon one more thing. If I wasn’t going to let fate influence my decisions, I wouldn’t let some vile letter do it either. It was time to put my past where it belonged. In the past.

Unlike Bram, Cal wasn’t afraid to be a dork. And I was ready to dork out with him. I was living in the moment. And I didn’t know if it was by chance or by choice. But I didn’t care. It was time for me... to bust a move.

On the dance floor, Leah found out that Garrett had been her missed connection. I told Cal I’d explain it later, but in truth, the story was short. Leah had connected with the guy she thought was missing. Which made me wonder if I was still missing the guy I had been connected to?

And then I stopped thinking. And I let myself live in the moment. Everything with Cal was easy. Everything was as it was meant to be. Cuz finally the other guy I had been pining over was all but a distant...

... forty feet away.

Bram had come to find me at the dance. Clusterfuck #1. And... he saw me in a lip-lock with Cal. Clusterfuck #2. We were speaking in code and he wanted to know if it was too late. Too late to be with me. I was confused. I didn’t know if I should listen to my head... or my heart. So I went with my hand... that slipped into Cal’s.

One door to my heart had closed. Which meant a new one could open. And Cal was more than welcome to walk through it.


	32. BLOG DOWN UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

Dec 16 - 12:02am

Someone once said that it’s choice, not chance, that determines our destiny. But it was hard for me to process who would ever choose to find what I found.

It was chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow the Tumblr blog in the next installment: You Can And You Won't.


End file.
